The more I do practical coaching sessions with my clients, the more I learn and the more I see one tendency, which is the following:
How much expectations do we have from others! How many times we want them to act, to feel, to react the way WE want! And how many times this leads to frustration since we forget to start with ourselves first. We forget that we cannot change another person, their reactions, unless the person wants this change.
What I really like about coaching is that it opens a window of different opportunities and different perspectives. The way we see things, this is just ONE perspective. Imagine if you could see the same situation, the one that matters to you, from different angles and different perspectives? Is this possible? YES! This is what I would like to share with you today.
The whole exercise consist of thinking and choosing the theme that is important to you, something that you really care about. It might be your relationship with your manager, with your family members or anything that comes to your mind where you might feel stuck.
We can take an example with your manager, lets say your relationship is not the way you want it to be.
The very first question that you would ask yourself would be:
1. What is the relationship I WANT with my manager?
Normally we clearly know what type of relationship do we want, the same here – create in your mind the new perspective, just forget for 10 minutes ¨yes, but this is not real, yes but this is not possible¨ – let go for 10 min all these thoughts that are not helping you at this point and create OTHER perspective, create this relationship the way you want it. Take some time and complete this very first step honestly, taking into account your values.
2. How do I FEEL about having the relationship I want?
The answer “good” is not enough. Try to feel the impact – what has changed? Different energy? Your thoughts? How does your body react to this change? Where do you feel this new energy in your body? Maybe you feel piece and satisfaction? Maybe you feel that the anxiety, anger is not there anymore? If you still feel anger, dissapointment – come back to the first question again (since you continue to see your relationship from the same perspective “this is not worth it, this is not possible, etc.”).
3. What CAN I do in order to have the relationship I want?
Now, something important here. The most common thing that I hear is ¨that person needs to change his attitude, I expect him/her to…, he/she needs to…”. NO. This is not how you answer to this question. Again we need to come back to ourselves, what is something that I CAN DO in this situation? Maybe you can show more respect from your side? Maybe you can speak and communicate to this person on how this particular attitude affects you and your performance? Maybe you can listen more? What is that you can do in order to have the relationship you want?
The entire exercise consists in finding at least 5 percent of positive in something completely negative for you. Once you have found this 5 percent, you already created another perspective, new way of seeing the same situation.
Instead of living your relationship with your manager as tragedy, as something that you cannot change – asking yourself “how can I change the way things are”? Seeing the same problem from different perspectives, this is a new way to experience the same situation.
The results depends on both sides (in our example with manager), however in this case you have a choice, because you created different views, you created different ways of seeing the same situation, and now you CAN choose. Now you can see what benefits you most – you might decide to opt for ¨this is what it is, I do not want to spend my energy on this¨ OR ¨I will make the change and treat this person differently and will see what happens¨, or maybe ¨I will show more respect and be more attentive¨. What do you choose?
There are many options to see the same situation from different angles.
In majority of cases we see the only one truth, our truth. And this paralyses us, since we do not see other perspectives.
This is what makes us think and act in one direction only, letting us forget that there are always plenty of other ways to see every situation and relationships with others.
We probably cannot choose what comes to our life and people that we meet, but we can always, always choose from which perspective we see every situation. We can always choose with what we stay. We can always choose what attitude and what angle we are looking from.
I wish you to create different perspectives – choose the ones that benefit you, allow yourself to make this change.
Have a great week ahead!